Teaching Children Conflict Resolution Skills
Ken Breeding
Not only do we need to know how to handle conflict successfully, but children also need to be taught these skills. The ability to resolve conflict productively utilizes all of the social and emotional competencies that have been discussed throughout this text.
Modeling and Coaching
The Power of Modeling: Who We Are Teaches More Than What We Say
One of the most powerful ways children learn how to handle conflict is through observing the adults around them. Long before children can articulate strategies for resolving disagreements, they are watching how teachers respond to frustration, disagreement, and emotional intensity.
Social learning theory emphasizes that children learn behaviors through observation, imitation, and modeling (Bandura, 1977). When educators respond to conflict with calmness, respect, and problem-solving, they demonstrate what constructive conflict looks like in real life. Conversely, when adults respond with anger, impatience, or control, children internalize those patterns as well.
In early childhood settings, this means that every interaction becomes a teaching moment. How a teacher responds to a challenging parent, a disagreement with a colleague, or a child’s behavior communicates powerful messages about how conflict should be handled. Modeling includes: staying calm under stress, using respectful language, listening actively, acknowledging feelings, and seeking solutions rather than assigning blame.
Children are not only listening to what we say, but they are also learning from who we are and how we behave. Over time, these modeled behaviors become internalized and form the foundation of children’s own conflict-resolution skills.
Coaching in the Moment: Turning Conflict into a Teachable Opportunity
While modeling provides a foundation, children also need active support and guidance as they learn to navigate conflict. Moments of conflict offer valuable opportunities for teachers to coach children through the process of understanding and resolving disagreements. Vygotsky’s concept of the zone of proximal development suggests that children learn best when supported just beyond their current level of ability (Vygotsky, 1978). In conflict situations, teachers can provide support for these levels by scaffolding children’s thinking and guiding them through the steps of problem-solving that they haven’t mastered yet on their own.
Effective coaching includes: helping children identify and name their feelings, clarifying what happened from each child’s perspective, encouraging children to listen to one another, supporting children in identifying underlying needs, helping them brainstorm, and guiding them to generate possible solutions. This process shifts the adult’s role from problem-solver to facilitator, supporting children in developing independence and confidence in their ability to manage social challenges.
Rather than solving the problem for the children, the goal is to support children in solving it themselves. Over time, this guided practice helps children internalize the skills needed to manage conflict independently. These coaching moments are especially important because they occur in real, emotionally meaningful situations. Children are more likely to remember and apply what they learn when it is connected to their lived experiences.
Intentional Teaching: Building Conflict Resolution Skills Over Time
In addition to modeling and coaching, educators can intentionally plan experiences that help children develop the awareness and skills needed to handle conflict constructively.
Conflict resolution is not a single skill but a collection of abilities, including:
- Emotional awareness and regulation
- Perspective-taking
- Communication skills
- Problem-solving
- Empathy
Specific lessons can be created to teach these skills and should be a part of the standard curriculum. They can be taught and practiced through a variety of developmentally appropriate activities, including:
- Role-Playing
- Children can act out common conflict situations and practice using language and strategies for resolving disagreements.
- Story Creation
- Children can create and discuss stories that involve characters experiencing conflict and finding solutions.
- Group Discussions
- Teachers can facilitate conversations about fairness, feelings, and problem-solving.
- Visual Supports
- Charts, cue cards, and classroom agreements can reinforce key concepts such as “taking turns,” “using words,” and “listening.”
- Through repeated opportunities to practice these skills in a supportive environment, children gradually become more confident and capable of handling conflict on their own.
- Using Children’s Literature to Teach Conflict Resolution
- Children’s literature is a powerful tool for helping young learners understand conflict and explore constructive ways of resolving it. Stories provide a safe and engaging context in which children can observe characters experiencing challenges, making decisions, and learning from their actions.
- Leading Discussions that Help Children Develop Awareness and Skills
- Almost all literature involves conflict that usually escalates before either coming back down the elevator and ending in a positive way or ending negatively at the top of the escalator. Involving children in discussions about what’s happening can be rich opportunities for them to learn about conflict resolution and connect it to their lives.
- Through guided discussion, teachers can help children reflect on questions such as:
- What is the conflict here?
- What do the characters say they “want” and what do they really “need”?
- Is this helping to make the situation better or worse? What direction is the escalator heading?
- What could the characters say or do that would begin to de-escalate the conflict?
- How did their choices affect the outcome?
- How do you think they are feeling about___?
- What could the characters have done differently?
- What would a “win–win” solution look like?
Stories allow children to step back from their own experiences and consider alternative perspectives, making them an effective tool for developing empathy and problem-solving skills.
Examples
The Zax by Dr. Seuss is a book I’ve often used to explicitly teach how conflicts escalate, as well as demonstrating that when we approach conflict with a win-lose mentality, the ultimate reality most often becomes a lose-lose ending. The story, as you may know, involved a North-going Zax and a South-going Zax. And it happened one day in the Prairie of Prax that they bumped. There they stood, foot-to-foot, face-to-face.
The North-Going Zax says to the South-Going Zax that he is blocking his path, that he is a North-Going Zax who always goes north. The South-Going Zax says, “Who’s in whose way?” and states that he is a South-Going Zax and always goes south. The conflict escalates page after page, where children can see and point out the behavior that is moving the conflict up the escalator.
After threatening to “not budge” even if it makes the whole world stand still, the world doesn’t stand still, and they build a new highway right over those two stubborn Zax and “left them there, standing un-budged in their tracks.” This is a great place to help children realize that stubbornly sticking with our “position” in order to win at the expense of the other party can very well end with both losing.
After discussing this outcome, we talk about other possible endings, including win-lose, where only one gets what they need, as well as compromising (each taking a small step to the side). We acknowledge that compromising is still giving up something that is very important to each of them, which is to “Never budge in the least! Not an inch to the west! Not an inch to the east!” Children are then invited, with a partner, to see if they can come up with a true “win-win” solution.
Children are very creative. In almost every classroom I have done this in, there are several pairs that come up with one of two solutions. Have you already thought of these two possible solutions? One way for them to each get what they need is for one of them to jump, leapfrog-like, over the other. The other way is for one of them to crawl through the legs of the other one. Young children love to show off their solution to the class
In the Appendix, you will find an Annotated Bibliography of Children’s Books for Teaching Conflict Resolution
Classroom Structures and Tools
Peace Table
In classrooms where children are old enough, having a specific place where children can go to resolve conflicts with one another can be very useful for multiple reasons. First of all, you are providing a place where children can practice developing conflict resolution skills. Secondly, it can be an effective way of managing behavior. The Peace Table is not simply a place to “solve problems,” but a structured environment where children can practice the skills of communication, perspective-taking, and collaborative problem-solving.
At circle time, if two children get into a conflict with each other, instead of disrupting the rest of the group and taking time away from the direct instruction you are giving, the children can be invited to go to the Peace Table to resolve their issue. You, of course, have to carefully set up the responsibilities and limits of using this space. You would have already given direct instructions in foundational skills such as active listening, assertive I-messages, Point-of-View, perspective-taking, and empathy.
Things you might consider having in this place:
- A talking object (something tangible that the person talking holds to help them both remember whether their job is to actively listen or share their point of view without judgment.
- Reminders about the agreed-upon rules for using this space.
- A feelings chart
- The I-message formula: “I feel…, when…, because, and I would like…”
ABCD Problem-Solving Tool
Sometimes it is helpful to have a format to use when children want to work out a problem. You would have to have students understand and have some experience with brainstorming before this would be effective. Depending on the ages of the children, it can be helpful to explain that asking “what the problem is” should define the conflict in a non-blaming way (e.g., “We both want the same toy”) rather than assigning fault, and that also identifies the underlying needs when possible.
When students come to you for help in solving a problem, encourage them to use this tool to solve the problem themselves. In discussing children’s literature, you could also invite children to use this tool to explore possible resolutions to problems that many characters in stories get stuck in.
Literature
Children’s literature provides ample opportunities to introduce and discuss problem solving skills and solutions. The key is ensuring the books and content are developmentally appropriate. To help take the guessing out of which book to choose, there is a list of children’s literature for teaching conflict resolution skills found in the Appendix.
Conclusion
Conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, but it is also one of the most powerful opportunities for learning and growth. When educators understand the dynamics of conflict and intentionally model, coach, and teach constructive strategies, they help children develop essential life skills. These early experiences shape how children will approach relationships, challenges, and differences throughout their lives. By guiding children to engage with conflict thoughtfully and respectfully, we are not only supporting their development, but we are also helping to build more compassionate and collaborative communities.
References
- Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice Hall.
- Crick, N. R., & Dodge, K. A. (1994). A review and reformulation of social information-processing mechanisms in children’s social adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 115(1), 74–101.
- Geisel, T. (1961) The Sneetches and Other Stories. Random House.
