Communication Styles

The way individuals communicate influences not only their personal and professional interactions but also how others respond to them. Researchers have identified four primary communication styles: aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive (Lazarus, 1971; Alberti & Emmons, 1974). These styles are very different in intent and have very different outcomes in terms of effectiveness and consequences. Although each may have a place in certain situations, assertiveness is by far the most constructive form of communication and should be used probably 99% of the time. We often, unconsciously, however, use the other styles of communication most of the time.

Aggressive Communication Style

One of the most recognizable styles is aggressive communication. This is characterized by domination, hostility, and a disregard for the rights and feelings of others. Aggressive communicators often speak in forceful tones, interrupt others, and use intimidation or sarcasm to assert control. Their goal is typically to dominate conversations or achieve personal goals at the expense of others’ comfort or needs.

An example of aggressive communication might be a teacher yelling at a student who missed a deadline, saying, “You’re incompetent! How could you mess this up?” In some cases, aggressive communication can be appropriate, such as in emergencies that require immediate and decisive action, self-defense situations, or high-stakes negotiations where assertiveness alone may not be enough. However, this style comes with significant drawbacks.

Research by Fisher and Ury (1981) suggests that aggressive communication damages relationships by creating fear and resentment, often provoking defensiveness rather than cooperation. Goleman (1995) further explains that such an approach can escalate conflicts, making resolution more difficult.

Aggressive communication often develops in competitive environments, authoritarian parenting styles, or cultural contexts that reward dominance (Bandura, 1977). Individuals who grow up in environments where forcefulness is necessary for survival may be more likely to adopt this communication style.

Passive Communication Style

At the opposite end of the spectrum is passive communication, in which individuals avoid expressing their opinions, needs, or emotions. They often prioritize others’ comfort over their own. Passive communicators tend to speak softly, avoid eye contact, and frequently apologize, sometimes suppressing their thoughts until frustration builds up. A student who disagrees with a group project decision but remains silent to avoid conflict exemplifies passive communication.

While this approach may be useful in certain situations, such as when avoiding unnecessary conflict or navigating strict power dynamics, it has several negative consequences. Passivity can lead to personal frustration and resentment when one’s needs go unaddressed (Lazarus, 1971). These feelings can be very damaging in relationships.

This style makes individuals more vulnerable to being taken advantage of (Alberti & Emmons, 1974). Chronic passivity can erode self-confidence and reinforce feelings of inadequacy (Ellis, 1973). Research indicates that passive communication as well as passive-aggressive communication often develops in individuals raised in highly restrictive or controlling households where self-expression was discouraged (Baumrind, 1971).

Passive-Aggressive Communication Style

This style can be adopted by individuals as a means of handling interpersonal challenges rather than expressing their needs directly or remaining entirely passive. It involves indirect resistance, sarcasm, or subtle forms of manipulation. Passive-aggressive communicators may pretend to agree with someone but later engage in behaviors that subtly undermine the person they were speaking with.

Common behaviors include procrastinating on unwanted tasks, offering backhanded compliments, or using the silent treatment instead of directly addressing concerns. For example, a student who resents their teacher but avoids direct confrontation might “accidentally” miss deadlines or criticize the teacher in private rather than addressing concerns openly. While passive-aggressive communication can sometimes serve as a defense mechanism in environments where direct confrontation is unsafe, it carries significant disadvantages.

This communication style erodes trust, leaving others confused and resentful (Millon, 1981). Because passive-aggressive individuals avoid addressing conflicts directly, issues remain unresolved, which can lead to ongoing tension and dissatisfaction (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). Like Passive communication, this style often develops in individuals who were raised in environments where direct expression of negative emotions was discouraged or punished (Baumrind, 1971).

Assertive Communication Style

Among the four communication styles, assertive communication is the most effective and balanced approach. Assertive communicators express their needs, opinions, and emotions clearly and respectfully, without diminishing the perspectives of others. They speak confidently, maintain eye contact, and advocate for themselves while also listening attentively. An example of assertive communication would be a teacher saying to a principal, “I understand that this deadline is important, but I need more time to ensure the students are completing this correctly.”

This style is beneficial in almost all settings, from personal relationships to professional environments, to interactions with parents, to all the interactions with the children we teach or care for. It fosters mutual respect and encourages honest dialogue. Research by Alberti and Emmons (1974) suggests that assertive communication builds trust, improves self-confidence, and reduces interpersonal stress. Ellis (1973) further emphasizes that assertiveness allows individuals to express their needs without guilt, reducing the likelihood of suppressed resentment. Additionally, assertiveness is strongly linked to emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills (Fischer & Ury, 1981).

Individuals who develop this communication style often come from supportive environments where self-expression was encouraged (Baumrind, 1971). This style of communication, however, is directly teachable. We all need to strive to develop these skills not only for our own lives, and the success they bring in guidance and situations where we need to manage behavior, but in order to teach these skills to children. No matter what kind of households our students are growing up in, we have the power to help them develop these life-long, critical skills.

Developing assertiveness requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and practice, but the benefits of greater confidence, improved relationships, and reduced conflict make it a valuable skill for us in all areas of our lives. This chapter presents the tools needed to become more assertive; all you need to bring is your courage and openness. Our students and our children will benefit through their relationships with us. Through our use of assertiveness in all of our interactions in guiding and directing children, they will learn these incredibly important life skills.

Take time to practice identifying communication styles with a few statements and scenarios found in the Appendix.

References

1. Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (1974). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships. Impact Publishers.
2. Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.
3. Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology, 4(1), 1-103.
4. Ellis, A. (1973). Humanistic psychotherapy: The rational-emotive approach. McGraw-Hill.
5. Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1981). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Penguin Books.
6. Watzlawick, P., Bavelas, J.B. and Jackson, D.D. (1967) Pragmatics of Human Communication, A Study of Interactional Patterns, Pathologies, and Paradoxes. WW Norton & Company, New York.