Communication Timing
Ken Breeding
When to Listen, When to Talk
Listening and being assertive are two sides of the same coin. They are intricately connected but are also very different processes. People can often be confused about which side of the coin is needed in a particular situation.
Thomas Gordon’s concept of Problem Ownership (1970) provides a framework for making this distinction. At its core, Problem Ownership helps determine who is experiencing the problem in any given situation and, consequently, what response is most appropriate. If the issue is primarily affecting the other person, the best approach is to listen empathetically rather than immediately offer solutions or impose judgments. If, however, the issue directly impacts the listener, then a more assertive approach is required to address the problem constructively. Some situations can involve shared ownership, where both parties are affected and must collaborate to find a solution.
The first and most common scenario is when the other person owns the problem. This is the situation in most instances where we need to guide children or manage their behavior. When they own the problem, the difficulty, frustration, or distress belongs to them, not the listener. In these cases, the best response is active listening, encouraging the child to fully express their thoughts and emotions without interruption or premature problem-solving. We often respond to children’s problems with advice, reassurance, or criticism, but these responses can be counterproductive because they shift the focus away from the child’s emotions and needs. Instead of feeling understood, they may feel dismissed or unheard. This also robs them of the right and opportunity to solve their own problems.
Consider a situation where a new student comes in from recess feeling upset and says, “Nobody played with me today.” A teacher’s instinctive response might be to say, “Don’t worry, you’ll make friends tomorrow,” or, “You should have just asked to join in,” or, “I’ll go with you tomorrow and show you how to make friends.” While these comments are meant to be comforting or instructive, they fail to acknowledge the child’s feelings.
A more effective response would be, “It sounds like you felt really left out today,” or, “That must have been really hard for you.” These statements reflect the child’s emotions and encourage further expression. By listening in this way, the child is more likely to process their feelings and, in time, generate their own solutions. Gordon emphasized that this approach fosters emotional resilience and independent problem-solving, skills that are essential for personal growth.
In contrast, there are situations where the adult owns the problem because the child’s behavior directly affects them. In these cases, active listening is not the best approach; instead, assertive communication is necessary to express one’s needs or the needs of the group without resorting to aggression or passivity. Gordon advocated for the use of “I-messages”, a technique that allows individuals to communicate concerns in a way that does not blame or escalate conflict. Rather than accusing or criticizing, an “I-message” focuses on the speaker’s feelings and the impact of the other person’s behavior. We will be directly learning how to do this.
For instance, imagine a teacher struggling with a student who repeatedly interrupts the lesson. If the teacher responds aggressively by punishing or saying something like, “Why do you always interrupt?” or passively by ignoring the behavior and hoping it stops, the problem remains unresolved. A more constructive response would be, “I feel frustrated when I am interrupted because I lose my train of thought. Please wait until I finish speaking.” This statement clearly identifies the problem, explains its impact, and sets a boundary without attacking the student. By using assertive communication, the teacher increases the likelihood of cooperation while maintaining a respectful relationship.
In some cases, the problem is shared by both parties, meaning that neither listening nor assertive communication alone will suffice. Instead, the situation calls for collaborative problem-solving, where both individuals express their concerns and work together to find a fair solution. This approach is particularly important in class dynamics and ongoing conflicts involving the group, situations where everyone’s needs must be considered. We will address this in a section toward the end of the chapter.
By applying Gordon’s concept of Problem Ownership, adults can navigate communication more effectively in any setting, whether as parents, teachers, or in other important relationships. When the other person owns the problem, active listening provides support and validation. When the listener owns the problem, assertive communication ensures that their needs are addressed without creating unnecessary conflict. And when both people share the problem, collaborative problem-solving fosters fairness and long-term relationship health. By mastering these distinctions, individuals can reduce misunderstandings, strengthen connections, and resolve conflicts more constructively. There are more opportunities in the Appendix to Practice Identifying Who Owns the Problem.
References
- Gordon, T. (1970). Parent effectiveness training: The no-lose program for raising responsible children. Wyden Books.
