I-Message Practice
Ken Breeding
Exercises to Develop Your I-Messaging Skills
Practice Crafting I-Messages
I would like to talk through one example together and then offer you some scenarios for you to practice on your own.
Suppose your 16-year-old, who recently got a driver’s permit, is backing out of the driveway with you in the passenger seat at a speed that scares you. Think about how you would give him an I-Message.
This is a bit of a set-up. If this was occurring, you wouldn’t be stumbling around initially to craft an I-Message. You would probably yell, “Stop!”. When he does, and he turns and looks at you with that “What?!?” expression that is only available to children of a certain age, now is your time. And you’re ready. You knew this was going to happen, and you spent hours going over possible I-Message options. So, what would you say? (It will help to write down your responses somewhere to reflect upon.)
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
Was your feeling a true feeling word? Were there no other words, such as “like” that got you off track? Chances are your choices were “scared”, “worried,” or “frightened”.
The “when” part can be tricky here. Did you stay completely, objectively factual? Did you say something like “when you back out too fast”? Can you see how that is a judgment on your part that is probably not held by your teenager? “I wasn’t going too fast. I can show you too fast,” could be his response.
This part just needs to be the facts. In the example I shared earlier involving my parents, a specific number could be used. Here, a solid way of sticking just to the facts could be accomplished with simply, “when you back out at that speed.” There is literally no way to argue with that, and you’ve clearly explained what you are scared about.
The “because” part can also be very tricky. Does your response explain WHY you feel scared at that speed without any judgment that could invite argument? Did you make any judgments about the speed being unsafe or dangerous? Did you say your reason was something along the lines of “because you could kill someone”? These opinions about safety or danger are just that. They may not, and are probably not, shared by your teenager.
Remember the trick about inserting an “I” after “because”. “Because I think/feel that speed is not safe” or “because I am worried that you might accidentally hit something at that speed” are both unarguable.” You invite his understanding of your experience by not giving him anything to fight against. He can’t say, “You don’t think that speed’s unsafe.”
Finally, there is another hard part. What’s your request? Remember, it has to be specific and doable. “I want you to back out slower” is not specific. “I would like you to be more careful,” also doesn’t work. I don’t know that speedometers mark the speed in reverse or otherwise you could say, “I want you to back out at no more than x mph.” One way of asking for a doable, specific response could be, “I want you to take your foot off the brake and just allow the car to roll back. I will tell you when it gets to the limit of the speed I think is safe.” Or “I want to trade places, and I will demonstrate the top speed I want you to keep under when backing out.”
Now Your Turn
For each of the scenarios below, create a strong I-Message. For some of these scenarios, there may be other interventions, rather than I-Messages, that could be used. For practice, just imagine that this was your assessment of the best response.
Scenario 1
A student often interrupts you when you are giving instructions.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
Scenario 2
A child is playing too roughly on the playground. Although not hurting others, the student is pushing and grabbing other children.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
Scenario 3
A child refuses to stop playing and line up for recess.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
Scenario 4
Your co-teacher often arrives late, leaving you with most of the setup.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
I-Messages to Encourage
I-Messages can also be used to convey positive feelings. Using I-Messages as encouragement instead of generic praise helps children understand the impact of their actions and fosters intrinsic motivation rather than relying on external validation. You can practice by crafting an I-Message for the following scenarios.
Scenario 5
A child helps put toys away without being asked.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
Scenario 6
A child struggles to complete a puzzle but keeps trying until they succeed.
I feel _____________________________
when _____________________________
because ____________________________
and I would like _____________________________.
