Communication Roadblocks
Ken Breeding
Five Roadblocks to Communication
- “Why” and “badgering” questions are attack questions. These questions immediately put us on the defensive and put us in a corner where we shut down, lie, make excuses, and deny personal responsibility.
Examples
- “Why didn’t you do your homework?”
- “Who did that?”
- “Why can’t you do what you’re told?”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “What did you say?”
- “Why are you doing this?”
- “What’s your problem?”
- Threats create resentment and anger and provoke defiance. Kids will challenge you to carry out the threat.
Examples
- “If you do this, I’ll…”
- “If you don’t stop that, you know you’re in big trouble.”
- “Just try that and see what happens.”
- “You better do this or else!”
- “Don’t you ever try to…”
- Arbitrary demands and commands give students no way to choose “to do the right thing” or to “save face.” Rather, these responses corner kids and put them on the defensive.
Examples
- “Do it right this minute.”
- “Stop that right now!”
- “Get over here right now!”
- “Shut up and start to work.”
- “Get your behind in that chair.”
- Moralizing and lecturing make feel “bad,” guilty, and embarrassed. These responses do not teach children how to become more skillful or motivate them to be more cooperative.
Examples
- “You know better than that.”
- “You never listen.”
- “I have never had a class this bad.”
- “How many times do I have to tell you this?”
- “Didn’t anyone ever teach you to…?”
- “It’s obvious to me that you’ve never had any home training.”
- “You have no respect for yourself.”
- Empty praise often judges the doer, not the deed. Praise, like criticism, implies judgment that makes us uncomfortable and anxious, and doesn’t tell us what we did that was good. When we demand that a child seek our approval in order to be judged as “good,” the child is being good for us, not for him or herself.
Examples
- “Good job.”
- “You’re doing great.”
- “Excellent.”
- “You’re well behaved today.”
- “You’re much better than yesterday.”
