Limitations
Ken Breeding
The Limits of Empathic Listening
Empathic listening is not always appropriate. Imagine that we were in a person-to-person class, having just gone over all of these ideas and techniques. A student comes hurriedly up to the open door and quickly says, “Where’s the nearest bathroom?” His face is panicked, and the tone of his voice is very tense. How ludicrous would it be if I tried to paraphrase and reflect back his feelings? “It seems like you’re really panicked and need to get to a bathroom quickly. It can be so painful when you really need to use the restroom, and you don’t know where it is.” These would not be welcomed or useful at all. “Right around the corner to the right” would be so much better.
Giving directions or advice, however, is something that we do automatically and constantly in guiding children. Not only is it our default position, but often the only thing we know how to do. In the vast majority of these situations, this is not only useless but can also be harmful to children and our goals of helping them develop solid social-emotional skills.
Listening is not the only skill needed in problem solving and managing behavior, but it is the solid foundation that is usually absolutely necessary before we can begin to use those other strategies and skills. In the next chapter, we look at when we should listen and when we need to use those other skills of being able to throw the ball effectively. We will then explore how we can be successful in assertively communicating the things we need children to hear.
Exercise
To close off this chapter, I would like to share a poem that gets at the heart of the need for this kind of deep listening. I have used it to close classes on this subject for many decades. The poem has been widely circulated in self-help, counseling, and communication resources, often in discussions about active listening and emotional support. It is frequently misattributed to various authors, but its true origins remain unclear.
Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen,
not talk or do—just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and feelings of inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince you
and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious,
and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people—because God is mute,
and He doesn’t offer advice or try to fix things.
He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please, just listen and hear me.
And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn, and I will listen to you.
Additional empathetic listening practice activities, along with sample listening reflections, can be found in the Appendix. Effective listening allows us to better understand others and hear more than just words.
References
- Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. Crown Publishing.
- Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Free Press.
- Dworkin, J., & Larson, R. (2006). Adolescents’ negative experiences in organized activities: Perspectives across three nations. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 16(1), 1-22.
- Gray, J. (1992). Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. HarperCollins.
- Hall, J. A. (2006). Women’s and men’s nonverbal communication: Similarities, differences, and stereotypes. Review of Communication Research, 6(1), 1-30.
- Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1957). Active listening. University of Chicago, Industrial Relations Center.
- Simard, S. W. (2021). Finding the mother tree: Discovering the wisdom of the forest. Alfred A. Knopf.
- Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Tannen, D. (1990). You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation. William Morrow.
