Assertive Communication: Who Owns the Problem

Practice Identifying Who Owns the Problem

For the following scenarios, identify who owns the problem. On a piece of paper, number 1 through 8 and indicate for each scenario if the adult or the child owns the problem. For each, ask yourself: Who is most affected by the problem? What is the best response—active listening, I-Messages, or collaborative problem-solving?

1. A child’s block tower keeps falling over.
2. Students are not lining up when asked.
3. A child refuses to wear a jacket on a cold day and the teacher is concerned.
4. A child cries because another child took their favorite toy.
5. Children keep interrupting Storytime.
6. A child is nervous about going to a new school for the first time.
7. A class is late for recess because a child won’t put on their shoes.
8. Two children are arguing over who gets to be the “leader” during outdoor play.

You should have ended up with half of them being the child’s problem where active listening is most appropriate and half where the adult could use I-Messages to address the issue.

Observing and Reflecting on Real Situations

Over the next few days, observe children at play or during daily routines. Write down one or two real situations where a problem arises and reflect:

Who owned the problem?

What response did the adult use?

Was the response appropriate, or could another approach have worked better?

Thinking Through Unclear Scenarios

• A Child Refuses to Eat Lunch
  • A preschooler refuses to eat their lunch, saying, “I don’t like this!” The teacher is concerned because the child might be hungry later and struggle with focus or behavior.
  • Who is most affected by the problem?
  • Does the child need support, or should the adult step in?
  • Is this a personal choice (child-owned) or a health concern (shared problem)?
  • Possible Response: Active listening (“You don’t like today’s lunch. What part don’t you like?”) followed by problem-solving if needed.
• A Child Won’t Participate in Group Time
  • A child sits on the rug but refuses to engage during circle time. The teacher feels frustrated because group participation is an important part of the class routine.
  • Is this the teacher’s problem because it affects classroom management?
  • Is it the child’s problem because they may be feeling overwhelmed or uninterested?
  • Should the teacher insist on participation, or is there another way to engage the child?
  • Possible Response: Active listening first (“You don’t feel like joining in. Can you tell me why?”), then collaborative problem-solving if needed (“Let’s find a way to make this work for both of us.”).
• A Child is Distracting Others During Nap Time
  • One child keeps making noises and fidgeting on their mat, preventing others from resting. The teacher is concerned because rest time is important for the class.
  • Is this the child’s problem (struggling to settle down)?
  • Is it the teacher’s problem (managing the class)?
  • Is it a shared problem (both the child and others are affected)?
  • Possible Response: Assertive I-Message (“When you make noise during nap time, I feel concerned because other children need rest.”), followed by problem-solving (“What can we do to help you settle down?”).