Cultural Context

Our Cultural Background and Training

Certain cultural expectations may play a role in people developing a passive communication style, as some societies emphasize politeness and deference over self-assertion (Hofstede, 1980). In some cultural settings, where open disagreement is seen as inappropriate, people may resort to passive-aggressive tactics as a way of expressing dissatisfaction without violating social norms (Hofstede, 1980).

Marshall Rosenberg (2003), however, argues that almost all of us grow up speaking a “language of violence”, not necessarily physical violence, but a way of communicating that involves judgment, criticism, blame, and coercion. An American psychologist and mediator, Rosenberg developed Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a method for improving relationships through empathy, active listening, and compassionate dialogue. Rooted in humanistic psychology and influenced by Carl Rogers’ client-centered therapy, NVC aims to transform conflict into opportunities for understanding and cooperation. (Rosenberg, 2003)

Rosenberg describes our mother tongues as “Jackal” language, a metaphor for the habitual, adversarial ways we learn to interact with others. Regardless of our native language or culture, we are socialized into a communication style that is rooted in hierarchy, punishment, and moral judgment.

These patterns are ingrained in childhood. Parents, teachers, and authority figures often use guilt, shame, or conditional rewards and punishments to influence behavior. As a result, we internalize these patterns and use them in our own communication, leading to defensiveness, resentment, and conflict. This “Jackal language” includes:

• Blame & Criticism: “You’re so selfish!” or “Why can’t you ever listen?”
• Demanding obedience through fear: “If you don’t do this, you’ll be punished.”
• Labeling & Name-Calling: “You’re lazy.” or “She’s always difficult.”
• Comparing and measuring worth: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
• Denying personal responsibility: “You made me do this!”

Noticing how we have unconsciously absorbed these styles of interacting with each other can be very useful in our purposeful decision to interact with each other assertively. Rosenberg emphasizes that Jackal communication is systemic. It is embedded in our schools, workplaces, families, and even legal systems. He argues that:

• Society is structured around control and obedience. From an early age, we learn to obey authority rather than express our needs freely.
• We are conditioned to think in terms of “right” and “wrong.” This leads to punishment-based thinking rather than cooperative problem-solving.
• Blame and criticism feel normal. Because we hear Jackal language constantly, we assume it’s the only way to communicate.

To counteract this, Rosenberg introduces “Giraffe language” as a metaphor for empathetic, needs-based communication. I used to use a giraffe and a fox puppet (the closest thing I could find to a jackal) to help teach children about these different ways of communicating. The giraffe symbolizes compassionate speech. The giraffe, with its long neck, can see the bigger picture, the things above us. I would ask the children if they knew which animal had the biggest heart. That giraffes have the biggest hearts in order to push blood all the way up to the top of their bodies makes them a great symbol for compassionate communication.

Instead of blame or coercion, Giraffe language focuses on:

• Observations (Not Judgments): Describing what we see without evaluation. Instead of “You’re always interrupting me!”, “I noticed you spoke before I finished my thought.”
• Feelings (Not Accusations): Expressing emotions instead of blaming others. Instead of “You make me so angry!”, “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted.”
• Needs (Not Demands): Identifying what is truly important to us. Instead of “You never respect me!”, “I need to feel heard in conversations.”
• Requests (Not Commands): Making clear, actionable requests. Instead of “Stop interrupting me!”, “Would you be willing to wait until I finish speaking?”

This shift from judgment to empathy allows for genuine connection and conflict resolution.

References

1. Gordon, T. (1970). Parent effectiveness training: The no-lose program for raising responsible children. Wyden Books.
2. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.