Questioning

Questions are often used in guidance conversations, yet they can either support empathetic listening or unintentionally shut it down. In moments of stress or conflict, adults frequently rely on questions to regain control, correct behavior, or move a situation forward quickly. However, the way a question is framed matters. Some questions can feel blaming, shaming, or confusing, causing children to become defensive or withdrawn rather than reflective or cooperative. In a chapter on empathetic listening, it is important to examine not only what we ask, but why and how we ask it. When used thoughtfully, questions can invite understanding, encourage self-expression, and open the door to problem-solving. When used carelessly, they can undermine trust and connection.

The Issue of Questions

Questions are very common in our attempts at guidance. These questions are often vague, accusatory, shaming, or unproductive. All questions are a form of demand. They take control away from the speaker and focus it on the listener. Here are some bad examples of guidance questions and why they don’t work:

Accusatory Questions (Blame & Shame)

• “Why are you always causing problems?”
• “What’s wrong with you?”
• “Do you ever think before you act?”

These label the student as a troublemaker rather than addressing the specific behavior. They imply there is something inherently wrong with the student rather than focusing on their actions. They sound sarcastic and dismissive rather than encouraging reflection.

Vague or Unclear Questions

• “Why did you do that?”
• “Can you stop misbehaving?”
• “What were you thinking?”

Many students don’t know why they acted out, and this question rarely leads to insight. They are too broad—they don’t explain what behavior needs to change. They can sound sarcastic and put the student on the defensive.

Yes/No Questions (Misses Reflection)

• “Do you want to get in trouble?”
• “Are you supposed to be doing that?”
• “Should I call your parents?”

If the student already knows the answer, this doesn’t promote learning or accountability. This doesn’t help them correct their behavior. It creates fear and resistance rather than encouraging problem-solving.

Embarrassing or Publicly Shaming Questions

• “Do you like making a fool of yourself?”
• “Why can’t you behave like [another student’s name]?”
• “Do you want to sit in the principal’s office all day?”

These humiliate the student rather than encouraging behavior change. They unfairly compare students, which can damage confidence. Threat-based discipline almost never encourages real change.

Some Questions Can Be Useful

Questions that genuinely seek to understand what is being said in a non-judgmental and open way, however, can be helpful. Some simple questions that just help clarify what the speaker is saying if unclear to the listener are often perceived as a genuine desire of the listener to understand and are welcomed by the speaker. Questions can also be used to creatively help the speaker say more about what they are trying to convey. These should be open-ended and free of judgment. The goal is not to take over control but to help facilitate the speaker getting his message out.

Statements and Creative Questions:

Inviting dialogue rather than shut it down

Encouragers

• Tell me more about that. What happened? Is there anything else you’d like me to know?
• I’m interested in what you think about  [insert context here].
• How do you feel about that?
• Can you say that in another way?
• What do you need right now?
• Is there anything else that’s bothering you?
• How would you like things to change?
• Do other people see this as you do?
• So how’s it going?

Door Openers and Transitions to Problem Solving

• Where would you like to go from here?
• Is there anything else we need to think about before we do some problem solving?
• How could you do it differently next time?
• Is this a good time to do some brainstorming about [insert context here]?
• I’d really like to work with you to come up with a solution that works for both of us.
• What would a good solution look like for you?
• What’s the first step we need to take to work this out?
• How would it feel right now to put out some possible solutions to this?
• What do we need to work on right now? What can we do later when there’s more time?
• You’ve helped me understand how important [insert context here] is to you. I’d like to tell you what’s important for me.
• Let’s stop a minute and think about what we need to decide right now.

Summarizing

At the end of a longer session of listening, it is often useful to summarize what was said back to the speaker. This allows you to check your larger understanding but more importantly it helps the speaker put all that they said into perspective. Once you’ve heard all that needs to be said, the speaker can then begin to decide and plan what they need to do from here instead of continuing to try to get you to really hear them.