{"id":194,"date":"2025-12-31T20:10:38","date_gmt":"2025-12-31T20:10:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/?post_type=chapter&#038;p=194"},"modified":"2026-05-21T19:55:51","modified_gmt":"2026-05-21T19:55:51","slug":"intentional-communication","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/chapter\/intentional-communication\/","title":{"raw":"Intentional Communication","rendered":"Intentional Communication"},"content":{"raw":"<h2>Powerful Communication from the Heart<\/h2>\r\nWe are going to be exploring and learning how to assertively deliver I-Messages in the rest of this chapter. Thomas Gordon (1970) introduced the concepts of \"You-Messages\" and \"I-Messages\", two contrasting ways of expressing concerns, emotions, and needs. Like Rosenberg, Gordon saw that our standard way of communicating with others was blaming, judgmental, and accusatory, often triggering defensiveness. He called this kind of communication \u201cYou-Messages\u201d. The focus was on judging the other. He suggested that \"I-Messages\" were constructive, non-blaming, and focused on personal feelings and needs, leading to more productive conversations.\r\n<div class=\"textbox shaded\">\r\n\r\n<strong>I-Messages<\/strong> look very simple, and they can be, but too often they are twisted into You-Messages because we are just not culturally used to the real paradigm shift that is needed to deliver them. The whole point of \u201cI-Messages\u201d is to strongly, lovingly connect to another, clearly relating our needs and desires, but always completely respectful of the other.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\nAgain, intention is key. We are used to Jackal language, and we can easily use the format of I-Messages to deliver a message that is full of blame and attack. The exact opposite of the goals of I-Messages.\r\n\r\nMuch like martial arts, the power of I-Messages comes from staying centered in our own being, our feelings and needs, staying grounded. Not off balance by leaning out accusatorially toward the other, judging them, trying to make them responsible for our feelings.\r\n\r\nI- Messages have to come from the heart and have heart. The English word \"courage\" comes from the Old French word \"corage\", which itself derives from the Latin word \"cor\", meaning \"heart.\" This connection reflects the historical idea that courage comes from the heart, both metaphorically and literally. It takes courage to deliver I-Messages. The courage to openly and honestly share who we are, what we\u2019re feeling and thinking.\r\n\r\nThe strength of I-Messages comes from completely opening ourselves to the listener, fearlessly and vulnerably. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as \u201cuncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure\u201d (2012). It is the willingness to show up and be seen, even when there are no guarantees of acceptance or success. Many people associate vulnerability with weakness, but Brown\u2019s research reveals that vulnerability is actually the birthplace of courage, innovation, and meaningful connection. Rather than a sign of weakness, Brown argues that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage because you cannot be brave without first being vulnerable.\r\n\r\nPeople using I-Messages are seen as courageous and strong. The listener, without the need to protect themselves from any possible attack from the speaker, perceives this strength. When they see the speaker as confident, powerful, and not a risk to them, they are powerfully invited to see the message and the needs of the speaker. They are enticed to care about those needs and to do what\u2019s needed to accomplish the speaker\u2019s requests. This kind of communication creates strong, useful connections between the speaker and the listener.\r\n\r\nOur communication to children about their behavior needs to come from the wisdom in our hearts, needs to be firmly grounded in our true goals for their growth, needs to be honest and strong, and needs to be respectful of them at all times. The goal of all guidance is to help them grow toward those qualities and skills we talked about earlier. The tools of all guidance are not any procedures or programs or methods. They are simply our effective human interactions and communications with them. I-Messages can be a tool that helps us grow into the assertive communicators that ultimately are the source of all productive guidance.\r\n<h3>Crafting I-Messages<\/h3>\r\nNow, we get into the nitty-gritty. I-messages look very simple. They really are. What is not simple is shifting our communication from our habitual Jackal or You-message communication to one that exemplifies true Mutual Respect. This requires us to grow out of our defensive, aggressive shell into the heart of who we really are, adults who care deeply about children and want to help them grow into the full humans they can become.\r\n<h4>Mutual Respect<\/h4>\r\nLike I-Messages, mutual respect is easy to say and a concept that is easy to acknowledge as the foundation of positive interactions with others. It is very hard to actually live and experience, however. I will suggest that mutual respect has four aspects that are important to understand and to really develop.\r\n<h4>Respect for the Other<\/h4>\r\nRespecting children requires us to see them as whole beings, recognizing their intrinsic worth and their independent sovereignty. Martin Buber (1970) argues that true dialogue and meaningful human interactions occur when we engage with others authentically, without imposing our own agendas or seeing them merely in terms of their function or utility. He describes this as an I-Thou relationship rather than an I-It one. This form of respect is not just about politeness or tolerance, it\u2019s about truly seeing and valuing the other person as they are.\r\n\r\nThis means accepting and honoring each child no matter how much mischief they have gotten into. It means conveying acceptance of them and their feelings when their behavior is not acceptable at all. This acceptance does not in any way condone or tolerate misbehavior, as we will see later, but it is the important foundation for changing that behavior.\r\n<h4>Respect for Self<\/h4>\r\nRespect for ourselves involves two important aspects. First of all, it requires us to know ourselves. The wisdom of \"knowing yourself\" has been a central theme in philosophy, spirituality, and psychology for centuries. The phrase \"Know thyself\" was inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi and was a core principle of Socratic philosophy. Socrates believed that self-examination is essential for wisdom and moral integrity (Plato, ca. 399 BCE\/2002, 38a). It continued to be extolled by all major world religions and many philosophers.\r\n\r\nWe have to understand our feelings, our needs, and our values in order to assert them effectively. One of the benefits of the I-Message structure we are going to be exploring in detail is that it can often help us clarify for ourselves what it really is that we feel and need. The entire process of knowing ourselves is a whole lifetime endeavor that we can get closer and closer to but probably never fully reach.\r\n\r\nThe second aspect or component of implementing self-respect is the actual skill of being able to assertively communicate what it is that we need and want. I-messages are extremely good at doing that.\r\n<h4>The Other\u2019s Respect for Us<\/h4>\r\nI don\u2019t know how many times in my private practice as a therapist I have had a parent bring in a child, usually a teenager, and say something like, \u201cThis kid has no respect for us as parents.\u201d Their goal was to have me teach this kid some respect.\r\n\r\nRespect can never be forced. Power can demand and often gain something that may look like respect on the surface. What may look like \u201crespect\u201d, however, is just behavior and is temporary. If I gave you a million dollars or if I threatened you in a dramatic way, chances are that I could make you give me the most official military salute possible. It would be meaningless, however, and it wouldn\u2019t last.\r\n\r\nDecades ago, as I was teaching parenting classes on Camp Pendleton, I was impressed by the training military officers were receiving. They were being taught to not rely on demanding respect from their troops through external power but to authentically earn it.\r\n\r\nPeople\u2019s respect for us comes from two things. It comes from our ability to assertively stand up for our values and needs, to not accept things that are unacceptable to us while at the same time refusing to let go of our respect for the other person, even if they are in opposition to us. This ability to hold respect for the other person and ourselves at the same time is extremely powerful. It is this that elicits and develops respect for us.\r\n<h4>The Other\u2019s Respect for Themselves<\/h4>\r\nJust as we don\u2019t have any direct control over making people respect us, we can not make anyone respect themselves. We have two very powerful tools to accomplish this, however. We can show people how to respect themselves by modeling self-respect. Also, when we continue to show that we respect them, no matter how much or badly they mess up, we send powerful messages that they are worthy of respect.\r\n<h3>A Simple Format to Move Us to Mutual Respect<\/h3>\r\nThomas Gordon originally coined the term I-Message in the 1960s (Gordon, 1970). He suggested that they contain 3 parts: \u201cI feel\u2026., when you\u2026., and because\u2026.\u201d. He believed that when we convey these three things effectively, the listener hears what they have done to elicit that feeling in us and will be motivated to do something different to help us.\r\n\r\nLater, others in the field of communication, including Rosenberg (2003), found that many times, people can\u2019t read our minds and know what it is that we want from them. Thus came the 4th component of an I-Message, \u201cand I would like\/need\u2026\u201d.\r\n<h4>The Intention or Goal of I-Messages<\/h4>\r\nIn the next section, we will get into each of these components of an effective I-Message, but it\u2019s important to point out that this is just a structure to aid us in developing a different language. When we learn a foreign language, we often initially use formats to help us learn this new language. I can still remember repeating, \u201cEstoy, estas, esta, estamos, estais, estan\u201d in learning to conjugate the verb \u201cto be\u201d in Spanish. I now can say, \u201cEstamos listos,\u201d without going through that whole structure to find the correct conjugation.\r\n\r\nThe structure we are going to be learning is just that, it\u2019s a structure to help us shift into a new language. There are always many creative ways of saying anything in any language. When we become competent in using I-Messages, they don\u2019t always have this exact format. They can start with the \u201cwhen\u201d part, for example. What they do always have are the components that allow us to honestly, powerfully convey our message in a judgment-free way that allows and encourages the listener to fully understand us and care about our situation.\r\n\r\nBefore we get into this, I want to share with you a remarkably clear example of how badly this structure for I-Messages can be misused to continue in our harsh, judgmental style of relating to others. Years ago, I was at a state-wide conference for school districts that had received an Early Mental Health Initiative Grant. The purpose was to highlight different ways districts were using this grant.\r\n\r\nOn a stage, in a ballroom full of attendees, a psychologist was discussing how they were teaching I-Messages as a part of their program. She had a large chart, and she asked an audience member to volunteer an issue where they might use this. A woman raised her hand and said, \u201cMy husband doesn\u2019t let me use the remote control while we\u2019re watching tv.\u201d She showed us all how easy I-Messages were by asking the lady to fill in each of the blanks on the chart. After their conversation, this is what was written on that chart in front of all of us.\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">I feel \u201ccheated\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">when you \u201chog the remote control\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">because \u201cyou always do that, and it\u2019s not fair\u201d<\/li>\r\n \t<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">and I want \u201cyou to be more considerate.\u201d<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nThe presenter then said something like, \u201cSee how easy that is?\u201d I was shocked but finally understood why some people doubt the power of I-Messages. Not a single component in that example is part of an I-Message. Of course, it\u2019s not going to work or be at all helpful to that woman in communicating her needs to her partner. The participant had just inserted the usual \u201cjackal\u201d language into the format, and even the presenter was oblivious about it.\r\n\r\nThe point is that we have to be very careful and diligent in learning to speak this new language. It reminds me of \u201ctime outs\u201d which were originally suggested as a positive way of helping children calm down in order to manage their feelings and engage with others productively. They were so widely and badly misused that they are now not allowed in most programs. Something that was designed to respectfully honor the child\u2019s feelings and allow self-control became just another punishment to externally try to control the child. I can still hear a kindergarten teacher I overheard in a stern voice saying \u201cYou go sit on the \u2018think-about-it chair\u2019 until you can\u2026!\u201d The only thing that child would be thinking about is how mean and stupid the teacher is. They would not be calming down at all but becoming even more upset and less capable of good decisions.\r\n<h4>The \u201cI Feel\u2026\u201d Component<\/h4>\r\nThe strength of I-Messages comes from our open and honest expression of our feelings. This requires a couple of things. First, we have to have the courage necessary to do this. We also have to have the vocabulary to do this. As we get older and absorb more of the cultural messages that train us to be \u201cjackals\u201d, we often lose what little emotional vocabulary we may have learned as small children if our teachers and parents were good at helping us develop them.\r\n\r\nI remember being at a school where I was doing demonstration lessons in different classrooms for teachers who had been through training with us on how to develop emotional and social competence. I did a lesson on emotions with a 1st grade class where they generated a nice long list of different feelings words.\r\n\r\nThe next lesson was in a 6th grade class where, after just a couple of basic words to describe feelings, they couldn\u2019t come up with more. \u201cDumb\u201d was a suggestion by a student. I pointed out that \u201cdumb\u201d wasn\u2019t a feeling; it was a judgment, an adjective. I asked them how they would \u201cfeel\u201d if someone called them dumb or if they \u201cthought\u201d they were dumb. Another student tried to help out by offering that they might feel \u201cstupid\u201d. After explaining that \u201cstupid\u201d was also a thought or a judgment that they could have emotions about but was not an emotion, they still were stuck.\r\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--examples\"><header class=\"textbox__header\">\r\n<p class=\"textbox__title\">Examples<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/header>\r\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\r\n\r\nHere are some examples of words that describe feelings or emotions that don\u2019t refer to thoughts or judgments:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Pleasant \/ Comfortable\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Happy<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Joyful<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Cheerful<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Content<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Excited<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Enthusiastic<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Calm<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Serene<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Tranquil<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Relieved<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Amazed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Awed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Hopeful<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Unpleasant \/ Difficult\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Sad<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Hurt<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Lonely<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Disappointed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Mournful<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Hopeless<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Afraid<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Nervous<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Anxious<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Worried<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Insecure<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Vulnerable<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Apprehensive<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Upset<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Angry<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Frustrated<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Annoyed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Irritated<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Bitter<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Enraged<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Jealous<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Guilty<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Confused<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Puzzled<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Unsettled<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Torn<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Hesitant<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Startled<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Numb<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Empty<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Ashamed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Embarrassed<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Overwhelmed<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\u201cCheated\u201d is not a feeling. It is a judgment about someone else\u2019s behavior. People might feel any one of a number of feelings if they had been cheated. If your spouse cheated on you, you might feel devastated, hurt, sad, or scared. If your business partner had cheated you out of a substantial sum of money, you might feel startled, enraged, or livid. If in a friendly game of cards, if someone cheated, you might feel irritated or annoyed.\r\n\r\nWords to indicate what that lady might have felt could be annoyed, irritated, or upset. All of these words own the feeling without blaming the other person. Think how different that would feel for the recipient to hear.\r\n\r\nWe are so unaccustomed and uncomfortable directly sharing our feelings that people often use one of three words to take them back to the safe experience of thoughts and judgments. I once had a father in my private practice who was working on better communication with his teenage son. He was learning to use an I-Message to allow his son to hear his concerns about his son\u2019s school performance. He thought his son wasn\u2019t keeping up with his homework at all. I asked him to put his feelings into an I-Message.\r\n\r\nHe started with, \u201cSon, I feel that you\u2019re not going to pass your classes\u2026\u201d When I stopped him and explained that what he said wasn\u2019t a feeling but his thoughts about what could happen, he tried again. \u201cI feel as if you think you are going to be able to pass these classes without doing any of the homework.\u201d After pointing out that this also is a thought or judgment, he tried a third time. \u201cI feel like you don\u2019t care about your grades at all.\u201d As I hope you can clearly see, this is just a negative judgment rather than a disclosure of feelings. He was finally able to come up with \u201cworried\u201d\r\n\r\nThe words \u201cI feel\u201d should just be followed by a legitimate feeling word. Inserting the words \u201cthat\u201d, \u201cas if,\u201d or \u201clike\u201d make it impossible to be followed by a real disclosure of feelings. (Except \u201clike\u201d at least in California, where in some circles it might be followed by a feeling, \u201cI feel like sad, man.\")\r\n<div class=\"textbox shaded\">\r\n\r\n\u201cI feel\u201d should never be followed by:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>That<\/li>\r\n \t<li>As if<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Like<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<\/div>\r\nWhen we stick with expressing just our feelings, there\u2019s no way for the listener to disagree. They can only be invited to empathize. That brings up a very relevant topic. What are our feelings? The word \u201cemotion\u201d came directly from old French, tracing back to a Latin word that meant \u201cto move\u201d. Emotions serve the important function of moving us. Our options are to move wisely or reactively. Our emotions are never caused directly by any event or outside perception but are always filtered through our interpretations of those perceptions and events.\r\n<h4>Mini Sermon on the Word \u201cMake\u201d<\/h4>\r\nIt\u2019s very important to realize that our feelings are created by us. They are our emotional reactions to stimuli based on our interpretations. We ultimately control our feelings, no one else. Language is important. Just like the important but subtle difference between encouragement and praise, it\u2019s important for us not to give our power away by using words that suggest something or someone can MAKE us feel anything. It\u2019s common for us to say something made me happy or that person made me mad. Not only is that not true, it invites us to give up control of our emotional reactions to things. When using this with children, it prevents them from developing the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and, ultimately, their actions. If Michael MADE me angry, then it\u2019s his fault that I punched him in the nose. That\u2019s one of the reasons it is enough to acknowledge just the feeling itself when we are actively listening by reflecting back the person\u2019s feelings. It\u2019s also a very important thing to remember when creating an I-Message.\r\n<h4>The \u201cWhen\u201d Component<\/h4>\r\nThomas Gordon\u2019s original framework had \u201cwhen you\u201d and was meant to be the place where you objectively and non-judgmentally described the specific, exact behavior that you have feelings about. You are always speaking directly to the person you have the feelings about, so saying \u201cwhen you\u201d could work. If you just stay literally, non-judgmentally descriptive of the facts, just the facts. In the example from the conference the woman said, \u201cI feel cheated when you hog the remote control.\r\n\r\nThe problem here is that it not only is not literally descriptive, but it\u2019s also extremely judgmental in a very negative way. \u201cI feel cheated when you hog the remote control.\u201d Think about how it would feel to hear that. It creates defensiveness, and rather than inviting listening, it can even trigger counter-aggressive attacks. \u201cHog the remote! You\u2019re the one who\u2019s hogged the remote. You\u2019ve been home doing nothing but watch TV while I worked hard all day for this family!\u201d\r\n\r\nNotice how different it feels to hear, \u201cI feel annoyed when you have had the remote all evening while we watched TV together.\u201d There\u2019s no judgment, nothing to disagree with, only an invitation to empathize.\r\n\r\nMany of us currently just teach that there\u2019s a \u201cwhen\u201d part that accomplishes the same things Gordon talked about. The goal is to make clear in objective terms what you are talking about. Not having to follow \u201cwhen\u201d with \u201cyou\u201d allows more creative ways to just be clear. Sometimes, when the word \u201cyou\u201d is used, even if strictly objective, the person can feel somewhat defensive. Like the words \u201cthat\u201d, \u201cas if\u201d, and \u201clike\u201d discussed above, using the word \u201cyou\u201d sometimes unconsciously pulls us back into You-Messages, the opposite of I-Messages.\r\n\r\nFor example, if you are talking to a specific student about talking while you are giving instructions, you could say, \u201cI feel upset when you talk while I am giving instructions\u201d, but you could also say, \u201c\u201cI feel upset when any student talks while I am giving instructions\u201d. This should not take away any responsibility that this student has, and the request part that we\u2019ll get to later, should be very direct. \u201cAnd I would like you to make sure when I am giving instructions that you are looking up at me and not talking to any of the other students.\u201d\r\n<h4>The \u201cBecause\u201d Component<\/h4>\r\nThis part of an I-Message allows us to explain to the listener WHY we are experiencing the feelings that we are experiencing. Remember that people can have different feelings about the same experience. It not only helps the listener understand why you feel the way you do, but having to put into words the reason for your feelings often helps you understand why you are having them as well.\r\n\r\nThis can greatly help you achieve that first component of Mutual Respect, knowing yourself. For example, when the lady from the conference has to explain why she\u2019s annoyed when her partner has the remote all evening, she may realize that it relates to a larger issue in their relationship. In the scenario that seems to be evolving as I use this example, maybe she lost her job 3 months ago and hasn\u2019t been able to find a new one. She may have some feelings about her spouse being the only breadwinner and her equal role in the relationship. His having the remote may just reinforce for her that he seems to have all of the power and control.\r\n\r\n\u201cI feel annoyed when you\u2019ve had the remote control all evening because I haven\u2019t been feeling like an equal partner lately for many reasons, but I want us to be equal partners as much as possible and when you\u2019re the only one choosing what we watch, I feel left out.\u201d Or simply, \u201cbecause I would like both of us to choose what we watch.\u201d\r\n\r\nI noticed that I used the word \u201cI\u201d right after \u201cbecause\u201d. Not only do I recommend thinking of not using the word \"you\u201d after \u201cwhen\u201d, it can also be useful to put the word \u201cI\u201d in this section. The goal is to explain OUR interpretation of reality, how WE perceive it. This is also a great place to share our values that form who we are and how we see the world. For example, in the background that I keep improvising and fabricating for the example that I\u2019m using, this woman in my imagination has some strong feelings about equality in relationships and fairness.\r\n\r\nWhen we can articulate what these are and how they influence our responses to events, it not only can help the listener really understand, but this can be a great way to help teach children how to develop their own values, and those guiding beliefs that shape all of our behavior.\r\n\r\nThere is interesting research that supports the importance of sharing reasons or why this \u201cbecause\u201d part can be so important. In her book, Mindfulness, Ellen Langer (1989) cites a study she conducted with colleagues in 1978. The experiment was conducted in a busy college library, where researchers had participants try to cut in line at a copy machine. The participants used three different types of requests:\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>Request Only (No Reason): \"Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?\" 60% of the time they were allowed to cut.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Legitimate Reason (Logical Explanation): \"Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I\u2019m in a rush?\" The compliance rate for this request was 94%<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Placebic Reason (Nonsense Explanation): \"Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I need to make copies?\" This last group still got to cut 93% of the time.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nSurprisingly, the third request, where the reason was redundant (\u201cbecause I need to make copies\u201d), was almost as effective as the legitimate reason. This suggests that people often respond automatically to the word \"because\" without critically evaluating the reason that follows. This study highlights how small tweaks in language can significantly impact human behavior.\r\n<h4>The Request or \u201cAnd I would like\/need\u201d Component<\/h4>\r\nThis last part is the place to make clear what we need or want. As Thomas Gordon suggested, sometimes, when we have done the first three parts well, this part is self-explanatory. This often is not the case, however, and it can be very useful for the listener to know exactly what we are requesting.\r\n\r\nThe important thing about this part is that it needs to be a request for specific and doable behavior. I can vividly recall hearing from the backseat as a child as my mother asked my father to slow down while he was driving. \u201cSlow down\u201d. And then, \u201cSlow down!\u201d \u201cI did slow down.\u201d As their voices rose, \u201cSlow down!\u201d \u201cI did slow down!\u201d My father had slowed down twice, but it was not enough to address my mother\u2019s anxiety. The request was NOT specific. \u201cI am nervous and would like you to drive at 55 miles per hour maximum.\u201d This may not have been the speed my father would have chosen, but I\u2019m sure he would have done that for my mother.\r\n\r\nThink how often we ask children to be more cautious, more careful, more considerate, respectful, responsible, thoughtful, etc. All of these things are global generalizations that mean different things to different people. For this part to be successful, the request needs to be specific. What does the listener need to do? What is the actual behavior you want to see?\r\n\r\nChildren are often asked to listen. But what does this mean? What specific behaviors do you want to see? What do you want them to do that will suggest to you that they are listening? \u201cWhen I am giving directions, I want you to keep your body still, look up at me, and think about what I am saying.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s helpful to use positive language rather than negative language about what you do NOT want them to do. It\u2019s so much easier to say \u201cdon\u2019t talk to your neighbors\u201d, but it is more effective to say, \u201cIf there is something you want to talk to your neighbor about, you can do that during recess.\u201d\r\n\r\nAdditional <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/back-matter\/i-message-practice\/\">I-Messaging practice<\/a> can be found in the Appendix.\r\n\r\n<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<h2>References<\/h2>\r\n<ol>\r\n \t<li>Buber, M. (1970). I and Thou (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). Charles Scribner\u2019s Sons. (Original work published 1923)<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Gibb, J. R. (1961). Defensive communication. Journal of Communication, 11(3), 141-148.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Gordon, T. (1970). Parent effectiveness training: The no-lose program for raising responsible children. Wyden Books.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Langer, E. J. (1989). Mindfulness. Addison-Wesley.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Langer, E. J., Blank, A., &amp; Chanowitz, B. (1978). The mindlessness of ostensibly thoughtful action: The role of \"placebic\" information in interpersonal interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36(6), 635\u2013642.<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Plato. (2002). Apology (G. M. A. Grube, Trans.). In J. M. Cooper (Ed.), Plato: Complete works (pp. 17\u201336). Hackett Publishing. (Original work published ca. 399 BCE)<\/li>\r\n \t<li>Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>","rendered":"<h2>Powerful Communication from the Heart<\/h2>\n<p>We are going to be exploring and learning how to assertively deliver I-Messages in the rest of this chapter. Thomas Gordon (1970) introduced the concepts of &#8220;You-Messages&#8221; and &#8220;I-Messages&#8221;, two contrasting ways of expressing concerns, emotions, and needs. Like Rosenberg, Gordon saw that our standard way of communicating with others was blaming, judgmental, and accusatory, often triggering defensiveness. He called this kind of communication \u201cYou-Messages\u201d. The focus was on judging the other. He suggested that &#8220;I-Messages&#8221; were constructive, non-blaming, and focused on personal feelings and needs, leading to more productive conversations.<\/p>\n<div class=\"textbox shaded\">\n<p><strong>I-Messages<\/strong> look very simple, and they can be, but too often they are twisted into You-Messages because we are just not culturally used to the real paradigm shift that is needed to deliver them. The whole point of \u201cI-Messages\u201d is to strongly, lovingly connect to another, clearly relating our needs and desires, but always completely respectful of the other.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Again, intention is key. We are used to Jackal language, and we can easily use the format of I-Messages to deliver a message that is full of blame and attack. The exact opposite of the goals of I-Messages.<\/p>\n<p>Much like martial arts, the power of I-Messages comes from staying centered in our own being, our feelings and needs, staying grounded. Not off balance by leaning out accusatorially toward the other, judging them, trying to make them responsible for our feelings.<\/p>\n<p>I- Messages have to come from the heart and have heart. The English word &#8220;courage&#8221; comes from the Old French word &#8220;corage&#8221;, which itself derives from the Latin word &#8220;cor&#8221;, meaning &#8220;heart.&#8221; This connection reflects the historical idea that courage comes from the heart, both metaphorically and literally. It takes courage to deliver I-Messages. The courage to openly and honestly share who we are, what we\u2019re feeling and thinking.<\/p>\n<p>The strength of I-Messages comes from completely opening ourselves to the listener, fearlessly and vulnerably. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as \u201cuncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure\u201d (2012). It is the willingness to show up and be seen, even when there are no guarantees of acceptance or success. Many people associate vulnerability with weakness, but Brown\u2019s research reveals that vulnerability is actually the birthplace of courage, innovation, and meaningful connection. Rather than a sign of weakness, Brown argues that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage because you cannot be brave without first being vulnerable.<\/p>\n<p>People using I-Messages are seen as courageous and strong. The listener, without the need to protect themselves from any possible attack from the speaker, perceives this strength. When they see the speaker as confident, powerful, and not a risk to them, they are powerfully invited to see the message and the needs of the speaker. They are enticed to care about those needs and to do what\u2019s needed to accomplish the speaker\u2019s requests. This kind of communication creates strong, useful connections between the speaker and the listener.<\/p>\n<p>Our communication to children about their behavior needs to come from the wisdom in our hearts, needs to be firmly grounded in our true goals for their growth, needs to be honest and strong, and needs to be respectful of them at all times. The goal of all guidance is to help them grow toward those qualities and skills we talked about earlier. The tools of all guidance are not any procedures or programs or methods. They are simply our effective human interactions and communications with them. I-Messages can be a tool that helps us grow into the assertive communicators that ultimately are the source of all productive guidance.<\/p>\n<h3>Crafting I-Messages<\/h3>\n<p>Now, we get into the nitty-gritty. I-messages look very simple. They really are. What is not simple is shifting our communication from our habitual Jackal or You-message communication to one that exemplifies true Mutual Respect. This requires us to grow out of our defensive, aggressive shell into the heart of who we really are, adults who care deeply about children and want to help them grow into the full humans they can become.<\/p>\n<h4>Mutual Respect<\/h4>\n<p>Like I-Messages, mutual respect is easy to say and a concept that is easy to acknowledge as the foundation of positive interactions with others. It is very hard to actually live and experience, however. I will suggest that mutual respect has four aspects that are important to understand and to really develop.<\/p>\n<h4>Respect for the Other<\/h4>\n<p>Respecting children requires us to see them as whole beings, recognizing their intrinsic worth and their independent sovereignty. Martin Buber (1970) argues that true dialogue and meaningful human interactions occur when we engage with others authentically, without imposing our own agendas or seeing them merely in terms of their function or utility. He describes this as an I-Thou relationship rather than an I-It one. This form of respect is not just about politeness or tolerance, it\u2019s about truly seeing and valuing the other person as they are.<\/p>\n<p>This means accepting and honoring each child no matter how much mischief they have gotten into. It means conveying acceptance of them and their feelings when their behavior is not acceptable at all. This acceptance does not in any way condone or tolerate misbehavior, as we will see later, but it is the important foundation for changing that behavior.<\/p>\n<h4>Respect for Self<\/h4>\n<p>Respect for ourselves involves two important aspects. First of all, it requires us to know ourselves. The wisdom of &#8220;knowing yourself&#8221; has been a central theme in philosophy, spirituality, and psychology for centuries. The phrase &#8220;Know thyself&#8221; was inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi and was a core principle of Socratic philosophy. Socrates believed that self-examination is essential for wisdom and moral integrity (Plato, ca. 399 BCE\/2002, 38a). It continued to be extolled by all major world religions and many philosophers.<\/p>\n<p>We have to understand our feelings, our needs, and our values in order to assert them effectively. One of the benefits of the I-Message structure we are going to be exploring in detail is that it can often help us clarify for ourselves what it really is that we feel and need. The entire process of knowing ourselves is a whole lifetime endeavor that we can get closer and closer to but probably never fully reach.<\/p>\n<p>The second aspect or component of implementing self-respect is the actual skill of being able to assertively communicate what it is that we need and want. I-messages are extremely good at doing that.<\/p>\n<h4>The Other\u2019s Respect for Us<\/h4>\n<p>I don\u2019t know how many times in my private practice as a therapist I have had a parent bring in a child, usually a teenager, and say something like, \u201cThis kid has no respect for us as parents.\u201d Their goal was to have me teach this kid some respect.<\/p>\n<p>Respect can never be forced. Power can demand and often gain something that may look like respect on the surface. What may look like \u201crespect\u201d, however, is just behavior and is temporary. If I gave you a million dollars or if I threatened you in a dramatic way, chances are that I could make you give me the most official military salute possible. It would be meaningless, however, and it wouldn\u2019t last.<\/p>\n<p>Decades ago, as I was teaching parenting classes on Camp Pendleton, I was impressed by the training military officers were receiving. They were being taught to not rely on demanding respect from their troops through external power but to authentically earn it.<\/p>\n<p>People\u2019s respect for us comes from two things. It comes from our ability to assertively stand up for our values and needs, to not accept things that are unacceptable to us while at the same time refusing to let go of our respect for the other person, even if they are in opposition to us. This ability to hold respect for the other person and ourselves at the same time is extremely powerful. It is this that elicits and develops respect for us.<\/p>\n<h4>The Other\u2019s Respect for Themselves<\/h4>\n<p>Just as we don\u2019t have any direct control over making people respect us, we can not make anyone respect themselves. We have two very powerful tools to accomplish this, however. We can show people how to respect themselves by modeling self-respect. Also, when we continue to show that we respect them, no matter how much or badly they mess up, we send powerful messages that they are worthy of respect.<\/p>\n<h3>A Simple Format to Move Us to Mutual Respect<\/h3>\n<p>Thomas Gordon originally coined the term I-Message in the 1960s (Gordon, 1970). He suggested that they contain 3 parts: \u201cI feel\u2026., when you\u2026., and because\u2026.\u201d. He believed that when we convey these three things effectively, the listener hears what they have done to elicit that feeling in us and will be motivated to do something different to help us.<\/p>\n<p>Later, others in the field of communication, including Rosenberg (2003), found that many times, people can\u2019t read our minds and know what it is that we want from them. Thus came the 4th component of an I-Message, \u201cand I would like\/need\u2026\u201d.<\/p>\n<h4>The Intention or Goal of I-Messages<\/h4>\n<p>In the next section, we will get into each of these components of an effective I-Message, but it\u2019s important to point out that this is just a structure to aid us in developing a different language. When we learn a foreign language, we often initially use formats to help us learn this new language. I can still remember repeating, \u201cEstoy, estas, esta, estamos, estais, estan\u201d in learning to conjugate the verb \u201cto be\u201d in Spanish. I now can say, \u201cEstamos listos,\u201d without going through that whole structure to find the correct conjugation.<\/p>\n<p>The structure we are going to be learning is just that, it\u2019s a structure to help us shift into a new language. There are always many creative ways of saying anything in any language. When we become competent in using I-Messages, they don\u2019t always have this exact format. They can start with the \u201cwhen\u201d part, for example. What they do always have are the components that allow us to honestly, powerfully convey our message in a judgment-free way that allows and encourages the listener to fully understand us and care about our situation.<\/p>\n<p>Before we get into this, I want to share with you a remarkably clear example of how badly this structure for I-Messages can be misused to continue in our harsh, judgmental style of relating to others. Years ago, I was at a state-wide conference for school districts that had received an Early Mental Health Initiative Grant. The purpose was to highlight different ways districts were using this grant.<\/p>\n<p>On a stage, in a ballroom full of attendees, a psychologist was discussing how they were teaching I-Messages as a part of their program. She had a large chart, and she asked an audience member to volunteer an issue where they might use this. A woman raised her hand and said, \u201cMy husband doesn\u2019t let me use the remote control while we\u2019re watching tv.\u201d She showed us all how easy I-Messages were by asking the lady to fill in each of the blanks on the chart. After their conversation, this is what was written on that chart in front of all of us.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">I feel \u201ccheated\u201d<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">when you \u201chog the remote control\u201d<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">because \u201cyou always do that, and it\u2019s not fair\u201d<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">and I want \u201cyou to be more considerate.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The presenter then said something like, \u201cSee how easy that is?\u201d I was shocked but finally understood why some people doubt the power of I-Messages. Not a single component in that example is part of an I-Message. Of course, it\u2019s not going to work or be at all helpful to that woman in communicating her needs to her partner. The participant had just inserted the usual \u201cjackal\u201d language into the format, and even the presenter was oblivious about it.<\/p>\n<p>The point is that we have to be very careful and diligent in learning to speak this new language. It reminds me of \u201ctime outs\u201d which were originally suggested as a positive way of helping children calm down in order to manage their feelings and engage with others productively. They were so widely and badly misused that they are now not allowed in most programs. Something that was designed to respectfully honor the child\u2019s feelings and allow self-control became just another punishment to externally try to control the child. I can still hear a kindergarten teacher I overheard in a stern voice saying \u201cYou go sit on the \u2018think-about-it chair\u2019 until you can\u2026!\u201d The only thing that child would be thinking about is how mean and stupid the teacher is. They would not be calming down at all but becoming even more upset and less capable of good decisions.<\/p>\n<h4>The \u201cI Feel\u2026\u201d Component<\/h4>\n<p>The strength of I-Messages comes from our open and honest expression of our feelings. This requires a couple of things. First, we have to have the courage necessary to do this. We also have to have the vocabulary to do this. As we get older and absorb more of the cultural messages that train us to be \u201cjackals\u201d, we often lose what little emotional vocabulary we may have learned as small children if our teachers and parents were good at helping us develop them.<\/p>\n<p>I remember being at a school where I was doing demonstration lessons in different classrooms for teachers who had been through training with us on how to develop emotional and social competence. I did a lesson on emotions with a 1st grade class where they generated a nice long list of different feelings words.<\/p>\n<p>The next lesson was in a 6th grade class where, after just a couple of basic words to describe feelings, they couldn\u2019t come up with more. \u201cDumb\u201d was a suggestion by a student. I pointed out that \u201cdumb\u201d wasn\u2019t a feeling; it was a judgment, an adjective. I asked them how they would \u201cfeel\u201d if someone called them dumb or if they \u201cthought\u201d they were dumb. Another student tried to help out by offering that they might feel \u201cstupid\u201d. After explaining that \u201cstupid\u201d was also a thought or a judgment that they could have emotions about but was not an emotion, they still were stuck.<\/p>\n<div class=\"textbox textbox--examples\">\n<header class=\"textbox__header\">\n<p class=\"textbox__title\">Examples<\/p>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"textbox__content\">\n<p>Here are some examples of words that describe feelings or emotions that don\u2019t refer to thoughts or judgments:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Pleasant \/ Comfortable\n<ul>\n<li>Happy<\/li>\n<li>Joyful<\/li>\n<li>Cheerful<\/li>\n<li>Content<\/li>\n<li>Excited<\/li>\n<li>Enthusiastic<\/li>\n<li>Calm<\/li>\n<li>Serene<\/li>\n<li>Tranquil<\/li>\n<li>Relieved<\/li>\n<li>Amazed<\/li>\n<li>Awed<\/li>\n<li>Hopeful<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Unpleasant \/ Difficult\n<ul>\n<li>Sad<\/li>\n<li>Hurt<\/li>\n<li>Lonely<\/li>\n<li>Disappointed<\/li>\n<li>Mournful<\/li>\n<li>Hopeless<\/li>\n<li>Afraid<\/li>\n<li>Nervous<\/li>\n<li>Anxious<\/li>\n<li>Worried<\/li>\n<li>Insecure<\/li>\n<li>Vulnerable<\/li>\n<li>Apprehensive<\/li>\n<li>Upset<\/li>\n<li>Angry<\/li>\n<li>Frustrated<\/li>\n<li>Annoyed<\/li>\n<li>Irritated<\/li>\n<li>Bitter<\/li>\n<li>Enraged<\/li>\n<li>Jealous<\/li>\n<li>Guilty<\/li>\n<li>Confused<\/li>\n<li>Puzzled<\/li>\n<li>Unsettled<\/li>\n<li>Torn<\/li>\n<li>Hesitant<\/li>\n<li>Startled<\/li>\n<li>Numb<\/li>\n<li>Empty<\/li>\n<li>Ashamed<\/li>\n<li>Embarrassed<\/li>\n<li>Overwhelmed<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>\u201cCheated\u201d is not a feeling. It is a judgment about someone else\u2019s behavior. People might feel any one of a number of feelings if they had been cheated. If your spouse cheated on you, you might feel devastated, hurt, sad, or scared. If your business partner had cheated you out of a substantial sum of money, you might feel startled, enraged, or livid. If in a friendly game of cards, if someone cheated, you might feel irritated or annoyed.<\/p>\n<p>Words to indicate what that lady might have felt could be annoyed, irritated, or upset. All of these words own the feeling without blaming the other person. Think how different that would feel for the recipient to hear.<\/p>\n<p>We are so unaccustomed and uncomfortable directly sharing our feelings that people often use one of three words to take them back to the safe experience of thoughts and judgments. I once had a father in my private practice who was working on better communication with his teenage son. He was learning to use an I-Message to allow his son to hear his concerns about his son\u2019s school performance. He thought his son wasn\u2019t keeping up with his homework at all. I asked him to put his feelings into an I-Message.<\/p>\n<p>He started with, \u201cSon, I feel that you\u2019re not going to pass your classes\u2026\u201d When I stopped him and explained that what he said wasn\u2019t a feeling but his thoughts about what could happen, he tried again. \u201cI feel as if you think you are going to be able to pass these classes without doing any of the homework.\u201d After pointing out that this also is a thought or judgment, he tried a third time. \u201cI feel like you don\u2019t care about your grades at all.\u201d As I hope you can clearly see, this is just a negative judgment rather than a disclosure of feelings. He was finally able to come up with \u201cworried\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The words \u201cI feel\u201d should just be followed by a legitimate feeling word. Inserting the words \u201cthat\u201d, \u201cas if,\u201d or \u201clike\u201d make it impossible to be followed by a real disclosure of feelings. (Except \u201clike\u201d at least in California, where in some circles it might be followed by a feeling, \u201cI feel like sad, man.&#8221;)<\/p>\n<div class=\"textbox shaded\">\n<p>\u201cI feel\u201d should never be followed by:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>That<\/li>\n<li>As if<\/li>\n<li>Like<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<p>When we stick with expressing just our feelings, there\u2019s no way for the listener to disagree. They can only be invited to empathize. That brings up a very relevant topic. What are our feelings? The word \u201cemotion\u201d came directly from old French, tracing back to a Latin word that meant \u201cto move\u201d. Emotions serve the important function of moving us. Our options are to move wisely or reactively. Our emotions are never caused directly by any event or outside perception but are always filtered through our interpretations of those perceptions and events.<\/p>\n<h4>Mini Sermon on the Word \u201cMake\u201d<\/h4>\n<p>It\u2019s very important to realize that our feelings are created by us. They are our emotional reactions to stimuli based on our interpretations. We ultimately control our feelings, no one else. Language is important. Just like the important but subtle difference between encouragement and praise, it\u2019s important for us not to give our power away by using words that suggest something or someone can MAKE us feel anything. It\u2019s common for us to say something made me happy or that person made me mad. Not only is that not true, it invites us to give up control of our emotional reactions to things. When using this with children, it prevents them from developing the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and, ultimately, their actions. If Michael MADE me angry, then it\u2019s his fault that I punched him in the nose. That\u2019s one of the reasons it is enough to acknowledge just the feeling itself when we are actively listening by reflecting back the person\u2019s feelings. It\u2019s also a very important thing to remember when creating an I-Message.<\/p>\n<h4>The \u201cWhen\u201d Component<\/h4>\n<p>Thomas Gordon\u2019s original framework had \u201cwhen you\u201d and was meant to be the place where you objectively and non-judgmentally described the specific, exact behavior that you have feelings about. You are always speaking directly to the person you have the feelings about, so saying \u201cwhen you\u201d could work. If you just stay literally, non-judgmentally descriptive of the facts, just the facts. In the example from the conference the woman said, \u201cI feel cheated when you hog the remote control.<\/p>\n<p>The problem here is that it not only is not literally descriptive, but it\u2019s also extremely judgmental in a very negative way. \u201cI feel cheated when you hog the remote control.\u201d Think about how it would feel to hear that. It creates defensiveness, and rather than inviting listening, it can even trigger counter-aggressive attacks. \u201cHog the remote! You\u2019re the one who\u2019s hogged the remote. You\u2019ve been home doing nothing but watch TV while I worked hard all day for this family!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Notice how different it feels to hear, \u201cI feel annoyed when you have had the remote all evening while we watched TV together.\u201d There\u2019s no judgment, nothing to disagree with, only an invitation to empathize.<\/p>\n<p>Many of us currently just teach that there\u2019s a \u201cwhen\u201d part that accomplishes the same things Gordon talked about. The goal is to make clear in objective terms what you are talking about. Not having to follow \u201cwhen\u201d with \u201cyou\u201d allows more creative ways to just be clear. Sometimes, when the word \u201cyou\u201d is used, even if strictly objective, the person can feel somewhat defensive. Like the words \u201cthat\u201d, \u201cas if\u201d, and \u201clike\u201d discussed above, using the word \u201cyou\u201d sometimes unconsciously pulls us back into You-Messages, the opposite of I-Messages.<\/p>\n<p>For example, if you are talking to a specific student about talking while you are giving instructions, you could say, \u201cI feel upset when you talk while I am giving instructions\u201d, but you could also say, \u201c\u201cI feel upset when any student talks while I am giving instructions\u201d. This should not take away any responsibility that this student has, and the request part that we\u2019ll get to later, should be very direct. \u201cAnd I would like you to make sure when I am giving instructions that you are looking up at me and not talking to any of the other students.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4>The \u201cBecause\u201d Component<\/h4>\n<p>This part of an I-Message allows us to explain to the listener WHY we are experiencing the feelings that we are experiencing. Remember that people can have different feelings about the same experience. It not only helps the listener understand why you feel the way you do, but having to put into words the reason for your feelings often helps you understand why you are having them as well.<\/p>\n<p>This can greatly help you achieve that first component of Mutual Respect, knowing yourself. For example, when the lady from the conference has to explain why she\u2019s annoyed when her partner has the remote all evening, she may realize that it relates to a larger issue in their relationship. In the scenario that seems to be evolving as I use this example, maybe she lost her job 3 months ago and hasn\u2019t been able to find a new one. She may have some feelings about her spouse being the only breadwinner and her equal role in the relationship. His having the remote may just reinforce for her that he seems to have all of the power and control.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI feel annoyed when you\u2019ve had the remote control all evening because I haven\u2019t been feeling like an equal partner lately for many reasons, but I want us to be equal partners as much as possible and when you\u2019re the only one choosing what we watch, I feel left out.\u201d Or simply, \u201cbecause I would like both of us to choose what we watch.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I noticed that I used the word \u201cI\u201d right after \u201cbecause\u201d. Not only do I recommend thinking of not using the word &#8220;you\u201d after \u201cwhen\u201d, it can also be useful to put the word \u201cI\u201d in this section. The goal is to explain OUR interpretation of reality, how WE perceive it. This is also a great place to share our values that form who we are and how we see the world. For example, in the background that I keep improvising and fabricating for the example that I\u2019m using, this woman in my imagination has some strong feelings about equality in relationships and fairness.<\/p>\n<p>When we can articulate what these are and how they influence our responses to events, it not only can help the listener really understand, but this can be a great way to help teach children how to develop their own values, and those guiding beliefs that shape all of our behavior.<\/p>\n<p>There is interesting research that supports the importance of sharing reasons or why this \u201cbecause\u201d part can be so important. In her book, Mindfulness, Ellen Langer (1989) cites a study she conducted with colleagues in 1978. The experiment was conducted in a busy college library, where researchers had participants try to cut in line at a copy machine. The participants used three different types of requests:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Request Only (No Reason): &#8220;Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?&#8221; 60% of the time they were allowed to cut.<\/li>\n<li>Legitimate Reason (Logical Explanation): &#8220;Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I\u2019m in a rush?&#8221; The compliance rate for this request was 94%<\/li>\n<li>Placebic Reason (Nonsense Explanation): &#8220;Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I need to make copies?&#8221; This last group still got to cut 93% of the time.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Surprisingly, the third request, where the reason was redundant (\u201cbecause I need to make copies\u201d), was almost as effective as the legitimate reason. This suggests that people often respond automatically to the word &#8220;because&#8221; without critically evaluating the reason that follows. This study highlights how small tweaks in language can significantly impact human behavior.<\/p>\n<h4>The Request or \u201cAnd I would like\/need\u201d Component<\/h4>\n<p>This last part is the place to make clear what we need or want. As Thomas Gordon suggested, sometimes, when we have done the first three parts well, this part is self-explanatory. This often is not the case, however, and it can be very useful for the listener to know exactly what we are requesting.<\/p>\n<p>The important thing about this part is that it needs to be a request for specific and doable behavior. I can vividly recall hearing from the backseat as a child as my mother asked my father to slow down while he was driving. \u201cSlow down\u201d. And then, \u201cSlow down!\u201d \u201cI did slow down.\u201d As their voices rose, \u201cSlow down!\u201d \u201cI did slow down!\u201d My father had slowed down twice, but it was not enough to address my mother\u2019s anxiety. The request was NOT specific. \u201cI am nervous and would like you to drive at 55 miles per hour maximum.\u201d This may not have been the speed my father would have chosen, but I\u2019m sure he would have done that for my mother.<\/p>\n<p>Think how often we ask children to be more cautious, more careful, more considerate, respectful, responsible, thoughtful, etc. All of these things are global generalizations that mean different things to different people. For this part to be successful, the request needs to be specific. What does the listener need to do? What is the actual behavior you want to see?<\/p>\n<p>Children are often asked to listen. But what does this mean? What specific behaviors do you want to see? What do you want them to do that will suggest to you that they are listening? \u201cWhen I am giving directions, I want you to keep your body still, look up at me, and think about what I am saying.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s helpful to use positive language rather than negative language about what you do NOT want them to do. It\u2019s so much easier to say \u201cdon\u2019t talk to your neighbors\u201d, but it is more effective to say, \u201cIf there is something you want to talk to your neighbor about, you can do that during recess.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Additional <a href=\"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/back-matter\/i-message-practice\/\">I-Messaging practice<\/a> can be found in the Appendix.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2>References<\/h2>\n<ol>\n<li>Buber, M. (1970). I and Thou (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). Charles Scribner\u2019s Sons. (Original work published 1923)<\/li>\n<li>Gibb, J. R. (1961). Defensive communication. Journal of Communication, 11(3), 141-148.<\/li>\n<li>Gordon, T. (1970). Parent effectiveness training: The no-lose program for raising responsible children. Wyden Books.<\/li>\n<li>Langer, E. J. (1989). Mindfulness. Addison-Wesley.<\/li>\n<li>Langer, E. J., Blank, A., &amp; Chanowitz, B. (1978). The mindlessness of ostensibly thoughtful action: The role of &#8220;placebic&#8221; information in interpersonal interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36(6), 635\u2013642.<\/li>\n<li>Plato. (2002). Apology (G. M. A. Grube, Trans.). In J. M. Cooper (Ed.), Plato: Complete works (pp. 17\u201336). Hackett Publishing. (Original work published ca. 399 BCE)<\/li>\n<li>Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. 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