{"id":201,"date":"2025-12-31T20:15:09","date_gmt":"2025-12-31T20:15:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/?post_type=back-matter&p=201"},"modified":"2026-05-21T20:16:54","modified_gmt":"2026-05-21T20:16:54","slug":"i-message-practice","status":"publish","type":"back-matter","link":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/back-matter\/i-message-practice\/","title":{"raw":"I-Message Practice","rendered":"I-Message Practice"},"content":{"raw":"

Exercises to Develop Your I-Messaging Skills<\/h2>\r\n

Practice Crafting I-Messages<\/h3>\r\nI would like to talk through one example together and then offer you some scenarios for you to practice on your own.\r\n\r\nSuppose your 16-year-old, who recently got a driver\u2019s permit, is backing out of the driveway with you in the passenger seat at a speed that scares you. Think about how you would give him an I-Message.\r\n\r\nThis is a bit of a set-up. If this was occurring, you wouldn\u2019t be stumbling around initially to craft an I-Message. You would probably yell, \u201cStop!\u201d. When he does, and he turns and looks at you with that \u201cWhat?!?\u201d expression that is only available to children of a certain age, now is your time. And you\u2019re ready. You knew this was going to happen, and you spent hours going over possible I-Message options. So, what would you say? (It will help to write down your responses somewhere to reflect upon.)\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\nWas your feeling a true feeling word? Were there no other words, such as \u201clike\u201d that got you off track? Chances are your choices were \u201cscared\u201d, \u201cworried,\u201d or \u201cfrightened\u201d.\r\n\r\nThe \u201cwhen\u201d part can be tricky here. Did you stay completely, objectively factual? Did you say something like \u201cwhen you back out too fast\u201d? Can you see how that is a judgment on your part that is probably not held by your teenager? \u201cI wasn\u2019t going too fast. I can show you too fast,\u201d could be his response.\r\n\r\nThis part just needs to be the facts. In the example I shared earlier involving my parents, a specific number could be used. Here, a solid way of sticking just to the facts could be accomplished with simply, \u201cwhen you back out at that speed.\u201d There is literally no way to argue with that, and you\u2019ve clearly explained what you are scared about.\r\n\r\nThe \u201cbecause\u201d part can also be very tricky. Does your response explain WHY you feel scared at that speed without any judgment that could invite argument? Did you make any judgments about the speed being unsafe or dangerous? Did you say your reason was something along the lines of \u201cbecause you could kill someone\u201d? These opinions about safety or danger are just that. They may not, and are probably not, shared by your teenager.\r\n\r\nRemember the trick about inserting an \u201cI\u201d after \u201cbecause\u201d. \u201cBecause I think\/feel that speed is not safe\u201d or \u201cbecause I am worried that you might accidentally hit something at that speed\u201d are both unarguable.\u201d You invite his understanding of your experience by not giving him anything to fight against. He can\u2019t say, \u201cYou don\u2019t think that speed\u2019s unsafe.\u201d\r\n\r\nFinally, there is another hard part. What\u2019s your request? Remember, it has to be specific and doable. \u201cI want you to back out slower\u201d is not specific. \u201cI would like you to be more careful,\u201d also doesn\u2019t work. I don\u2019t know that speedometers mark the speed in reverse or otherwise you could say, \u201cI want you to back out at no more than x mph.\u201d One way of asking for a doable, specific response could be, \u201cI want you to take your foot off the brake and just allow the car to roll back. I will tell you when it gets to the limit of the speed I think is safe.\u201d Or \u201cI want to trade places, and I will demonstrate the top speed I want you to keep under when backing out.\u201d\r\n\r\n
\r\n\r\n

Now Your Turn<\/h3>\r\nFor each of the scenarios below, create a strong I-Message. For some of these scenarios, there may be other interventions, rather than I-Messages, that could be used. For practice, just imagine that this was your assessment of the best response.\r\n

Scenario 1<\/h4>\r\nA student often interrupts you when you are giving instructions.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

Scenario 2<\/h4>\r\nA child is playing too roughly on the playground. Although not hurting others, the student is pushing and grabbing other children.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

Scenario 3<\/h4>\r\nA child refuses to stop playing and line up for recess.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

Scenario 4<\/h4>\r\nYour co-teacher often arrives late, leaving you with most of the setup.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

I-Messages to Encourage<\/h3>\r\nI-Messages can also be used to convey positive feelings. Using I-Messages as encouragement instead of generic praise helps children understand the impact of their actions and fosters intrinsic motivation rather than relying on external validation. You can practice by crafting an I-Message for the following scenarios.\r\n

Scenario 5<\/h4>\r\nA child helps put toys away without being asked.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\nScenario 6<\/span>\r\n\r\nA child struggles to complete a puzzle but keeps trying until they succeed.\r\n
\r\n\r\nI feel _____________________________\r\n\r\nwhen _____________________________\r\n\r\nbecause ____________________________\r\n\r\nand I would like _____________________________.\r\n\r\n<\/div>","rendered":"

Exercises to Develop Your I-Messaging Skills<\/h2>\n

Practice Crafting I-Messages<\/h3>\n

I would like to talk through one example together and then offer you some scenarios for you to practice on your own.<\/p>\n

Suppose your 16-year-old, who recently got a driver\u2019s permit, is backing out of the driveway with you in the passenger seat at a speed that scares you. Think about how you would give him an I-Message.<\/p>\n

This is a bit of a set-up. If this was occurring, you wouldn\u2019t be stumbling around initially to craft an I-Message. You would probably yell, \u201cStop!\u201d. When he does, and he turns and looks at you with that \u201cWhat?!?\u201d expression that is only available to children of a certain age, now is your time. And you\u2019re ready. You knew this was going to happen, and you spent hours going over possible I-Message options. So, what would you say? (It will help to write down your responses somewhere to reflect upon.)<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Was your feeling a true feeling word? Were there no other words, such as \u201clike\u201d that got you off track? Chances are your choices were \u201cscared\u201d, \u201cworried,\u201d or \u201cfrightened\u201d.<\/p>\n

The \u201cwhen\u201d part can be tricky here. Did you stay completely, objectively factual? Did you say something like \u201cwhen you back out too fast\u201d? Can you see how that is a judgment on your part that is probably not held by your teenager? \u201cI wasn\u2019t going too fast. I can show you too fast,\u201d could be his response.<\/p>\n

This part just needs to be the facts. In the example I shared earlier involving my parents, a specific number could be used. Here, a solid way of sticking just to the facts could be accomplished with simply, \u201cwhen you back out at that speed.\u201d There is literally no way to argue with that, and you\u2019ve clearly explained what you are scared about.<\/p>\n

The \u201cbecause\u201d part can also be very tricky. Does your response explain WHY you feel scared at that speed without any judgment that could invite argument? Did you make any judgments about the speed being unsafe or dangerous? Did you say your reason was something along the lines of \u201cbecause you could kill someone\u201d? These opinions about safety or danger are just that. They may not, and are probably not, shared by your teenager.<\/p>\n

Remember the trick about inserting an \u201cI\u201d after \u201cbecause\u201d. \u201cBecause I think\/feel that speed is not safe\u201d or \u201cbecause I am worried that you might accidentally hit something at that speed\u201d are both unarguable.\u201d You invite his understanding of your experience by not giving him anything to fight against. He can\u2019t say, \u201cYou don\u2019t think that speed\u2019s unsafe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Finally, there is another hard part. What\u2019s your request? Remember, it has to be specific and doable. \u201cI want you to back out slower\u201d is not specific. \u201cI would like you to be more careful,\u201d also doesn\u2019t work. I don\u2019t know that speedometers mark the speed in reverse or otherwise you could say, \u201cI want you to back out at no more than x mph.\u201d One way of asking for a doable, specific response could be, \u201cI want you to take your foot off the brake and just allow the car to roll back. I will tell you when it gets to the limit of the speed I think is safe.\u201d Or \u201cI want to trade places, and I will demonstrate the top speed I want you to keep under when backing out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Now Your Turn<\/h3>\n

For each of the scenarios below, create a strong I-Message. For some of these scenarios, there may be other interventions, rather than I-Messages, that could be used. For practice, just imagine that this was your assessment of the best response.<\/p>\n

Scenario 1<\/h4>\n

A student often interrupts you when you are giving instructions.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Scenario 2<\/h4>\n

A child is playing too roughly on the playground. Although not hurting others, the student is pushing and grabbing other children.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Scenario 3<\/h4>\n

A child refuses to stop playing and line up for recess.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Scenario 4<\/h4>\n

Your co-teacher often arrives late, leaving you with most of the setup.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

I-Messages to Encourage<\/h3>\n

I-Messages can also be used to convey positive feelings. Using I-Messages as encouragement instead of generic praise helps children understand the impact of their actions and fosters intrinsic motivation rather than relying on external validation. You can practice by crafting an I-Message for the following scenarios.<\/p>\n

Scenario 5<\/h4>\n

A child helps put toys away without being asked.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Scenario 6<\/span><\/p>\n

A child struggles to complete a puzzle but keeps trying until they succeed.<\/p>\n

\n

I feel _____________________________<\/p>\n

when _____________________________<\/p>\n

because ____________________________<\/p>\n

and I would like _____________________________.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"menu_order":7,"template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"on","pb_short_title":"I Messages","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":["ken-breeding"],"pb_section_license":"cc-by-nc"},"back-matter-type":[],"contributor":[61],"license":[56],"class_list":["post-201","back-matter","type-back-matter","status-publish","hentry","contributor-ken-breeding","license-cc-by-nc"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter\/201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/back-matter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter\/201\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":575,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter\/201\/revisions\/575"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter\/201\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"back-matter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/back-matter-type?post=201"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=201"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.palomar.edu\/childguidance\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}